These Words Are Knives and Often Leave Scars
by alecsmanwhore
Summary: "I rolled up the left sleeve of my black sweatshirt, revealing my ashen forearm, only a Soundless rune disfiguring it. But not for long, said the little voice in the back of my head. Not for long." Set after the Hall of Accords scene in CoG. Could be triggering. Please review!


The minute I got back from the Hall of Accords, I ran up the stairs, leaving my parents and Isabelle bewildered. They obviously thought I was a little bit rushed of emotion after what had just happened.

I barricaded myself in the bathroom, praying that no-one would walk in. I opened the bathroom cabinet slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible.

Didn't want anyone to hear what I was doing.

I rummaged around in the cupboard for a bit, before locating the object I was looking for. Although it seemed quite small, the blade of the razor seemed sharp enough. That way it would be easier to leave a mark.

I rolled up the left sleeve of my black sweatshirt, revealing my ashen forearm, only a Soundless rune disfiguring it.  
_But not for long_, said the little voice in the back of my head. _Not for long._

I thought back to earlier that day, when I had asked Magnus to be my partner in the battle. Initially, I had been nervous about asking him, and in the end, I don't quite know what came over me, but I was suddenly kissing him. In front of everyone. I could hear murmurs and whispers of shock all around me, but all that mattered in that moment was the feeling of Magnus's lips against mine. And I couldn't have been any happier than I was in that moment. Unfortunately, my happiness came at a price.

I was walking around searching for Jace, planning on asking him who he had chosen to be his partner in the battle, and, if it was who I expected it to be, teasing him for it. Although he'd probably have something to say about me kissing Magnus.

Turns out other people did too.

As I wandered around, checking every corner and alcove of the room, I overheard a small cluster of people talking.

"Absolutely disgraceful", said one woman, her face set firmly in an expression that seemed to consist of disgust and anger.  
"It's just not natural", another man agreed. "How are we expected to keep the Nephilim alive with people like him around. And with a Downworlder too. He's a disgrace to the Lightwood name."  
That hurt. I knew that my sexuality wouldn't be accepted, and I had never expected it to be, but a disgrace to the Lightwood name? I had managed to bring disgrace on my family, all with one simple kiss.

'People like him'.

That had struck a blow right to my heart. It made me sound like an outcast, a disgrace, a freak.  
_But maybe that's what I am. A freak. Un-natural. A disgrace and a waste of Shadowhunter blood._  
I considered going to look for Magnus. He'd be supportive, after all, he had to go through this too, not being accepted because of his sexuality.

_Yeah Alec, great thinking. Go find Magnus and add fuel to the fire, why don't you? Remind them again of what you are; a worthless fag. You're better off dead than being a constant disgrace to the Lightwood name._  
I fought back tears, a lump rising in my throat.  
_Go on, do it. Break down now and prove to everyone that you're weak and worthless. That's what you really are, isn't it?_  
I twisted my hands in the sides of my jumper, once again forcing back tears, blinking to rid them from my eyes. I will not cry. Not here.  
I scanned the room, looking for Izzy, only her leaning against a pillar, deep in conversation with Simon. I navigated through the seemingly never-ending crowd of people to try and get to her.  
_Freak._  
_Disgrace._  
_Fag._  
_Deserves to die._  
I tried to ignore all the words swarming around my head like flies, wishing that it was only as easy to swat them away as it would be with flies.

_If only that were possible._  
I eventually got to her, after what seemed like hours of pushing through the swarming, pulsing mass of people.  
She grinned widely as I approached her, her arms outstretched to pull me into a hug.  
"I'll leave you guys to it," said Simon, as he stalked off into the crowd, no doubt searching for Maia.  
"Well done!" Isabelle exclaimed. "To be honest, I didn't think you had it in you." She pulled away, still beaming at me.  
_Put on a brave face for Izzy. Don't let her know._  
I smiled back at her. "Neither did I really." I chuckled, although inside I felt like a million tiny daggers had stabbed me through the heart.  
"I take it Magnus is happy?" She asked, slinging an arm around my shoulder.  
"I think so, yeah. I didn't really get much of a chance to talk to him, he had to go talk to someone. But hopefully he's happy."  
_At least one of us can be._

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I did it, but I wish that people would be more open minded about it. She removed her arm from my shoulders and clapped her hands together in delight. "I'm so glad you're both happy."  
_That's what you think._  
"But promise me this," she said in a serious tone, her features turning steely. "If he hurts you in any way, shape or form, tell me and I'll kill him, okay?"  
I smirked at her. "I doubt he'll hurt me, Iz. And aren't I meant to do that for you? After all, older brothers are meant to be scarily defensive of their younger sisters."  
Izzy rolled her eyes at me. "Just because I'm a girl, it doesn't mean I need you to defend me. I'm perfectly capable of that, thank you very much. Besides, I can take Magnus easily, so tell me if he hurts you, okay?"  
I laughed and said "Of course I will."  
She smiled. "Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find Simon. Go have fun with Magnus." She smirked as she walked away.  
"Tell me if Simon hurts you!" I called mockingly after her.  
"Shut up Alec!" She yelled back, disappearing into the crowd.  
The minute she vanished, my face fell.

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**Please review if you liked it, or if you didn't, either way, negative comments will help me to improve it. Sdly, this isn't going to get any happier with later chapters :P**


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